PorterFast (episode 4)

When I last left you, Guy Fieri had become some kind of supernatural cultural figure with undue influence on my life.  It was Day 3-4 of the great PorterFast of 2012, and I had not eaten for the longest continuous period of my life because, I mean, why would one stop eating entirely?  Good question.  (No good answer).

On  Day 5, I experienced what could only justifiably called “Real Gurgly Stomach” for the first time.  This was not your normal warning-shot-across-the-bow from the gastric area…this was a full-fledged, “Hey!  M’Fer!  What in the god-damn hell is going on around here!?” type of reaction from the old GI tract.  I immediately began to think that this was officially a no-joke undertaking, which could only be (slightly) mentally deflected by beginning to plan my first ideal meal when the Fast would finally be over (25 days away).  That lead naturally to planning some sort of furtive way to cheat, as well (obviously).  Weird thoughts cross your mind at this point, inevitably deadheading around the central theme called, “Are we REALLY going through with this?  No.  REALLY!?”  Honestly, this was probably the most proud of myself I can really remember being, somewhat easily shutting these digressive thoughts down with sheer force of will only.

Day 6 was “Master’s Friday”.  Now….that may not mean a lot to you, dear reader.  But to me, a man unfortunately inspired and fascinated with this particular golf tournament, nay EVENT, this was a difficult pill not to be able to swallow.  Especially with memories of last year still in my head.  LAST year, I bought a ridiculously large spiral-cut ham (fully cooked, mind you) and obviously decided to still smoke it for 2-3 hours prior to Saturday at the Master’s (my favorite, or at least tied for first, sporting event of the year).  Also, southern-style pimento cheese dip…sort of like crack with cheese on it.  Actually, exactly like that.  End result…Build-Your-Own smoked honey-glazed ham sandwiches with pimento-cheese dip spread and whatever kind of beer is available while watching Tiger and Rory melt down on Saturday on Augusta’s back 9.  It doesn’t get much better than that, I’m telling you.  Easiest beer-food pairing in the world…anything goes with those sandwiches because you really don’t care what you’re drinking.  Okay NOW…I’m officially hungry AND missing food.  It’s Day 5.  How the hell am I going to make it 25 more days?