PorterFast (episode 2)

So I had convinced myself to take on a challenge which strained general credulity.  And now, a dramatization of the conversation whereupon I had previously revealed the plan to my wife:

“Hey honey,  I’m going to do this beer-only fast that the dude from Iowa did for Lent, only for the month of April.”

“You’re not serious, right?”

The rules (more like guidelines) were simple:

*No food

*Just water, coffee, and beer

*Beer must be primarily Porter, in order to learn this style intimately (to justify this as a beer “Project”)

*Duration: April 1 – 30

The reason for doing this to oneself? At the time, it was a preponderance of small positive things that I felt outweighed any conceivable negative(s).  I was ready to see how it went though, and if it say affected my ability to keep my full-time job, I would certainly re-evaluate.  The potential to be learning about porters, a previously unexplored and wholly unappreciated beer style for me in my personal beer journey, and doing so in an altered state of heightened senses and sensibility (Jane Austen reference for the English majors) was a strong positive for me…not too mention good for a Cicerone-in-training.  The potential of writing material, weight loss, financial savings, conversation material, and general non-conventionality of the project were also convincing rationale (ie. delusions).

Day 1:  On Sunday, April 1st, I weighed in on my newly purchased Weight Watchers scale at 254.9lbs.  Before you blaze the comments section with “FATSO!  Gross!”, I’ll just tell you that I’m 6’8″, putting a real-life punchline to that old joke about being the perfect weight…if you were two feet taller.  I had gone “grocery” shopping the day before at one of my favorite beer stores and come home laden with 7 or 8 different kinds of porters, pretty encouraged by the remaining selection at that store that I had not brought home with me on the initial trip.  There really are a lot of porters out there…it’s kind of like meeting someone at work for the first time and then seeing him everywhere.  You probably walked by that guy a hundred times before, but never noticed him til you finally met.  Who knew so many people like porter?

Sunday brunch consisted of a Rogue Mocha Porter and an Atwater Vanilla Java Porter.  Rogue, solid…Atwater, too sweet.  Heavy vanilla or other residual sweetness would definitely become my least favorite “add-on” to the traditional porter style.  In fact, it is outright disgusting (in my opinion) when present in heavy doses.  I think it works better with the roastiness at the foundation of stouts, but distracts from the clean, tart bitterness and lighter body that I think is at the heart of porters.  Regardless, sweet and beer are not really for me in general.

The most unusual aspect of the day was logistical.  How does one go about spacing out 4-5 beers through an 18 hour period in order to maximize sustenance and reduce hunger?  How does one convince friends and family that this “project”, while beginning on April 1st, is NOT in fact an April Fool’s joke?  How does one convince oneself that it is worth continuing past day 1 and not relying on the April Fool’s joke out?  While I grappled with the proper spacing of beers throughout the day, and suppressed the very visceral (and phantom-limb-like) urge to reach out and grab snacks on the counter every time I passed through the kitchen, I all of the sudden had arrived at mid-afternoon and experienced only the most gentle of stomach grumbles around 2:45pm.  Just a little, “Hey, remember me?”.  Not so bad, really.

I breezed through the rest of the day without much issue, and steeled myself for the next day…the first workday of the PorterFast.